Therapy with Steven

Couples Counselling, Relationship Therapy, Couples Counseling in Portlaoise

What are the reasons couples come to therapy?

The most common reasons couples come for relationship therapy:

"We've drifted apart; we feel more like roommates than partners."
"We argue constantly."
"We can’t communicate."
"We want different things."
"One of us had an affair."
"The relationship changed after we had children."
"They are not the person I fell in love with."
"I’m not in love with them anymore."
"My partner doesn’t love me anymore."
"We’re stuck."
"He/She/They have lost interest in sex."
"We don’t understand each other."
"I can’t trust him/her/them."
"They keep nagging me."
"They won’t help out around the house."

These are just a few examples. Often, couples are struggling to resolve their differences and are unsuccessful in doing so, which leads one or more partners to suggest couples counselling.

While these issues can sometimes be recent, more often they’ve been present for many years. Research shows that couples, on average, wait six years before seeking help for relationship problems. This gives those problems plenty of time to take root and become ingrained. If you’re facing recurring issues in your relationship, I encourage you to seek couples counseling sooner rather than later, as it offers a greater chance for repair and less time spent in frustration or anger.

Is Couples Therapy for me?

What is to be gained from Couples Therapy?

"The quality of our relationships shapes the quality of our lives." – Esther Perel

By choosing to engage in couples counselling, you are making an important investment in the most significant relationship in your life. Through this process, you can expect to gain:

A deeper understanding of yourself as a partner within this relationship.
Clarity on what truly matters to you and how to express these priorities.
Improved communication skills.
Insight into the challenges in your relationship and how you can help foster more positive outcomes.
Strategies for reconnecting with your partner.
A variety of options to explore together as you work through differences.

This list is not exhaustive, and each couple’s journey will be unique to their relationship.

My approach to relationship therapy is non-directive. I do not have a predetermined goal for you to stay together or separate. Instead, I support you in making those decisions with greater awareness of the factors that are influencing your relationship.

Rates

Individual: €70 (50 mins), Couples (Individual Session): €70 (60 mins), Couples: €120 (90 mins)

Getting Started in Couples Therapy...

What should you know before starting couples therapy?

"Few of us come to therapy wanting to change ourselves; more often, we seek ways to change our situation or partner while staying the same." – Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch

One of the most common challenges in couples counselling is the belief that the solution lies in the other person changing. Many couples enter relationship therapy thinking that if their partner changes, the relationship will improve, while they remain the same. This is a natural response—when someone upsets or frustrates us, our instinct is to want them to behave differently. You may have already tried to make this happen through conversations, arguments, silence, anger, or even pleading, without success. And you might hope that I, as your therapist, can succeed where you haven’t. But I won’t.

If your only goal in couples counseling is for your partner to change, you’re unlikely to see meaningful progress. My role is to help you gain new choices for changing the dynamics of your relationship—but these choices require you to do something different. This can be frustrating. You might think, “Why should I have to change when they’re the one causing the problem?” My answer is that the only person you can truly influence is yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness, and couples therapy will help you find new options for creating it, even if those options feel counterintuitive at first. The strategies that have seemed logical to you so far haven’t worked, so perhaps trying an approach that feels unfamiliar will offer a breakthrough.

Another common pitfall in therapy is the mindset of “I’ll try something new, but only if my partner does it first.” The issue with this approach is clear: if both partners are waiting for the other to change, nothing will shift. You need to be willing to make changes, even if your partner isn’t yet doing the same.

A key concept I’ll encourage in therapy is moving away from “we” language. You’ll often hear me asking you to say “I” instead of “we.” This helps you take ownership of your role in the relationship and recognize what you want to work on. Once both partners have clarity on their individual goals, those “I” goals can come together to improve the “we” of the relationship. You can’t fix the whole system at once; just like you need to understand which part of a car is broken to repair it, you need to focus on the specific elements that need work.

Finally, the mindset of "Happy Wife, Happy Life" can sometimes appear in couples therapy, where one partner claims they don’t have any issues but are simply there to make the other person happy. This brings us back to self-responsibility. Even if one partner feels there are no problems, both need to reflect on the dynamic between them. If you attend therapy only to appease your partner without being willing to explore your own contributions to the relationship, the process is unlikely to be effective.

How often and for how long should I attend?

Each couples counselling session lasts 90 minutes. I typically recommend weekly sessions for the first month or two to establish a solid foundation, after which we can shift to biweekly sessions.

In simple terms, the more effort you both invest, the more you will benefit from the process. I will serve as your guide, providing direction and assignments between sessions. Your commitment to doing the work outside of our meetings is essential for effective relationship therapy.

It's difficult to predict exactly how long each couple will need to attend therapy. I generally suggest planning for around 10 sessions, but depending on the couple's unique situation and the complexity of the issues involved, it may take longer.

Will you see us together in each session, or will you meet with us separately at times?

This varies depending on the couple. Typically, about three to four weeks into couples counselling, I schedule individual sessions with each partner. These sessions allow us to explore personal insights more deeply and examine how individual experiences are affecting relationship therapy.

I ask that you refrain from sharing anything in the individual sessions that you wish to keep confidential from your partner. Disclosing such information could create a conflict that is not ethical for me as a therapist working with a couple.

Is what we share with you confidential?

Confidentiality is a vital aspect of the couples counselling process. I will not share any details about your identity or the content of our discussions. However, there are some exceptions to this.

If there is any physical or emotional abuse within the relationship, my priority will be to help you access the support you need to ensure your safety. Should I have concerns for your safety or if you express fears regarding the safety of another person, I have an ethical obligation to report this to protect you or others involved.

Additionally, I am a mandated reporter in matters concerning child protection. Under the Child First legislation, I am required to disclose any issues related to child protection that arise during our sessions. I am also obligated to report any disclosures of childhood sexual abuse to Tusla.